Your first thought about this post is probably, "What's up with the title?" Yeah, let me explain that one. I heard a pastor once say that men this day and age have P.M.S.- Passive Male Syndrome- and he is right. The absence of strong, biblical male leadership is absent from many homes and many churches. This is what has been on my mind lately, because honestly, I used to have male P.M.S., that is, until God healed me of it. What are some of the symptoms of this syndrome?
-lack of spiritual leadership and initiative
-lack of biblical communication with wife and kids
-withdrawing into hobbies to the neglect of family responsibilities
-selfishness
-cowardliness
-seeing wife and children as a burden instead of a joy
There is more, but these are some of the most observable signs.
But why is male leadership so important? Why has God designed it this way, and what are the consequences of not pursuing His order in this area? How can we engage men? This is what I have been thinking about and I would like to share my thoughts with you.
First, we need to understand that Christianity is basically a patriarchal religion. Yeah, that's a dirty word in our culture, but wow, when we look around at what our culture has done with family, why would we want to listen to them anyway? Patriarchal means that Christianity is centered around the father, and this type of thing is in rapid decline.
Our culture has increasingly become more matriarchal, and this matriarchy has seeped into the church as well. I came across a study that showed that for every male attending an evangelical church in North America, there are two females (Albert Mohler Program, July 14 2008). I also read that it is women who buy the most books on parenting. In fact, 80% of books on parenting are purchased by mothers (Gospel Powered Parenting, William P. Farley, pg 125). The women read them and then give them to their husbands, who never read them.
Here is what I know, and will also prove as I continue on, when women take on the main leadership role in churches, men withdraw. When fathers abdicate or are passive, or leave leadership in the home to the mother, children suffer. However, when men assume these roles, the churches and families thrive. It is not because the wife is a bad mother, or that motherhood is somehow less valuable than fatherhood. It is because the role of leadership has been designed by God to be done primarily by the man, with the wife as his helper
In scripture we see that the fathers are the primary parent, and their wives are the helpers. Parenting takes a team effort, and the wife's role is crucial, but in a two parent family, the father is the primary parent- he is the one accountable to God for what goes on. The wife's role is to assist. For example, original sin is attributed to Adam, not Eve. Why? Because Adam was the head. Scripture also focuses on Noah and his three sons, Abraham and his son, Jacob and his 12 sons, etc. This is a consistent pattern in the Old Testament. The fathers are out front and the mothers play more of a background role. Also, who did God hold responsible for the reprehensible behavior of Hophni and Phinehas (1 Sam 8:1-9)? It was the father, Eli, not the mother.
Here is something else that blows my mind: Western culture used to assume this patriarchal arrangement that we see in the bible. Before 1830, every manual on parenting was addressed to the fathers! A lady by the name of Nancy Gibbs wrote in Time magazine one time that, "From the Reformation until the 1830's most parenting manuals were written for fathers. Before this time, society assumed that mothers were assistant fathers. Now it is assumed that fathers are assistant mothers." ("Father", Time, June 28, 1993, pg. 53).
What has happened? It's simple, really. We have neglected the biblical model. God holds the fathers responsible to teach and train their children (see the entire book of Proverbs, Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). Then what is the role of the mother? Indeed, the fathers do delegate much of the daily grind sort of things to the moms, but the father should have the oversight. He should be involved and aware. He should be the main instructor, teacher, and disciplinarian. He should see to it that his children respect and honor their mother, who is his partner in the gospel and in the family when it comes to raising children.
Still don't think fatherhood is that important? I came across a Swiss study that was put out by Touchstone Magazine in 2003. It examined the connection between a parent's church attendance and the future likelihood that their children would continue to go to church once they were grown. Here is what was shown:
Father's Attendance: Regular. Mother's Attendance: Regular. Children's Attendance: 33%
Father's Attendance: Non-practicing. Mother's Attendance: Regular. Children's Attendance: 2%
Father's Attendance: Regular. Mother's Attendance: Irregular. Children's Attendance: 38%
Father's Attendance: Regular. Mother's Attendance: Non-practicing. Children's Attendance: 44%
Father's Attendance: Irregular. Mother's Attendance: Non-practicing. Children's Attendance: 25%
Touchstone said about these findings,
" The results are shocking, but they should not be surprising. They are about as politically incorrect as it is possible to be; but they simply confirm what psychologists, criminologists, educationalists, and traditional Christians know. You cannot buck the biology of the created order. Father's influences, from the determination of a child's sex by the implantation of his seed to the funerary rites surrounding his passing, is out of all proportion to his allotted, and severely diminished role, in Western liberal society."
I could go on and share with you more statistics about how teens from a home with an absent or passive father are 5 times more likely to commit suicide, 32 times more likely to run away, 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders, 14 times more likely to commit rape, 9 times more likely to drop out of school, and 20 times more likely to end up in prison, but I won't. Oops, I guess I just did, but you get the picture.
So what can we do to attract men to our churches and raise them up to be godly leaders in the home? Here are some suggestions that I have read from others, and I agree: First, we have to emphasize objective truth. Second, we have to have godly men disclipling others. Third, we need women to promote biblical masculinity.
Let me expound on this a little. Have you ever noticed the difference between how a male mind works verses a female mind? I am sure you have, especially if you are married. The male mind likes truths/facts, likes risks, likes competition, and is aggressive. The female mind likes feeling/emotion, is cautious, cooperative, and more passive. What does this mean? It means that if we are going to make the church more masculine, we need to do the three things I just mentioned.
Emphasize objective truth- Ann Douglas wrote a book entitled The Feminization of American Culture, in which she notes that the high mark of American patriarchy was in the early colonial period and due to the theology of Jonathan Edwards. She located its center in the substitutionary atonement preached by Edwards and Joseph Bellamy. After Edwards' death, she notes that a "softer" view of the atonement arose from the Unitarians. This started with Ellery Channing (1780-1842), who was bothered by the Puritan doctrine of a transcendent Savior, who was so holy, that he taught a strictly human savior that was intimate,affectionate, and easy to approach. Douglas notes that Channing's change in theology began the feminization of American culture (Ann Douglas, The Feminization of American Culture, chapter 4, The Loss of Theology).
Men respond best to objective truth, while feeling and sentiment appeal more to women. The biblical gospel is all about objective truth, and has many "hard edges and sharp corners."
Have godly men discipling other men- If we are going to build godly men, we have to have godly men pouring into them as role models and disciplers. A long time ago, I read the book Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow. In it, he says,
You cannot have a thriving church without a core of men who are true followers of Christ. If men are dead, the church is dead...
When men are absent and anemic the body withers...
The church and the Titanic have something in common: It's women and children first. The great majority of ministry in Protestant churches is focused on children, next on women...
Men don't follow programs, they follow men. A woman may choose a church because of the programs it offers, but a man is looking for another man he can follow.
Women must promote biblical masculinity- Ladies, how can you do this? By modeling biblical femininity yourselves. What does that look like? Strong in your faith, dignified, unshakable, respectful , humble, supportive, wise, nurturing, and gentle. You can also encourage biblical masculinity by encouraging your husband to lead. Not nag, encourage. Encourage them every time you see grace working in them, making them into the men they need to be. Finally, pray for your husband. Pray that God makes him into the man he needs to be.
I'll close with this: It was these three things that God used to cure me of my P.M.S. He used theology, discipleship, and a godly and loving wife who encouraged me, supported me, and prayed for me. So, there is a cure. We just need to take the time to do what is necessary.