Before we begin, I would like to address an issue that is all too common in Christian households. That issue is unrealistic expectations. Now, we can have this whether our kids are disciples of Christ or not, but I am speaking about having this type of expectation of our non-believing children. Do not expect them to act like they are regenerate and love God, This does not mean that you don't have rules and expect them to honor you and obey you. What it does mean is that when your children act like sinners, don't be shocked.
I have talked with some parents who blame themselves for their child's behavior, even when they are doing all they can to raise them biblically. Grant it, sometimes a kid's behavior is allowed to go unchecked and undisciplined by lazy and unconcerned parents, which does result in bearing greater fruits of sinfulness. However, ultimately, the actions flow out of the sinful heart of the child.
Then ,there are some parents who go the opposite extreme and hold exacting religious demands over their child's head, and expect them to conform to a moral law without their heart ever being changed. When their kids act like sinners, they freak out, get embarrassed, and bring the hammer down on them.
This now brings us to the heart of what we are talking about. How should we discipline and correct our children who have not come to Christ?
First, we need to get past the common misconception that our kids are innocent. Naive, gullible, and vulnerable, yes. Needing our protection and guidance, yes; but they are not innocent. David says "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me (Ps. 51:5). We also saw in our last post that as the Federal and biological head of modern humans, Adam has passed on to all of us a sinful nature (Rm. 5:12-21).
So why do our children misbehave? Is it because they are just tired? or hungry? or misunderstood? or their friends lead them astray? or bad parents? Indeed, these can contribute to the problem, but they are not the cause. The cause is the sinful heart. Jesus says in Mark 7:21-23 that it is out of the human heart that evil flows. So, the source of all our actions, whether good or bad, is the heart. Our children misbehave because of a heart issue.
In scripture, the heart represents the seat of the person's entire way of life- their mind, will, emotions, etc. To speak of the heart being sinful is to speak of the entire person being corrupt.
This means that the goal of our parental discipline and instruction is to address the heart, not simply control a behavior. Many parents try to control their child's behavior for selfish reasons. They want some peace and quiet, or they are worried about their own reputation as a parent. Trying to simply address and control the behavior leads to saying things like, "why can't you do this, your sister did it fine," or "you better straighten up or I am going to spank you so hard you won't know what hit you," or "I'll give you some ice cream if you behave really well and do what you are supposed to," or "I can't believe you are acting this way after all that I do for you!" These responses exude manipulation, fear, bribery, and an outburst of emotion. This type of discipline does nothing to pierce the depravity of a child's heart.
So, how should we discipline in order to train the heart and lead our children to Christ? Here are some suggestions (These are also good principles to follow with a child who is a believer).
1. Remember discipline's goal. The focus of your discipline needs to be the heart of your child, and not your own feelings. Many times, we get angry at our children because they are not giving us the respect we deserve, etc, and this is not the place to discipline from.
2. Explain what you mean. Be clear in your communication. Make sure they both understand what you are expecting from them in that moment, and what their consequences will be if they do not obey.
3. Be consistent. Set consistent boundaries, follow through, and be sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page about discipline. I cannot stress this point enough!
4. Focus on the heart. This means trying to find out what the motivation was behind an action. It means listening hard to understand why they are frustrated, angry, etc. It means addressing the root of the problem, "no, you both got angry because you both were being selfish and wanted your own way."
5. Use the Law of God. Once you have discerned the heart of your child and their motivation, use the Law of God to address the sin. The purpose of the Law is to be a tutor to lead us to Christ (Gal:24). The Law shows us our sin and the motivation behind it (Rom. 7:7), as well as shows us that we are guilty before God (Rm. 3:19-20). The Spirit of God uses the Law to show depraved sinners the depth and guilt of their sin. When we are instructing our unbelieving children, we want to use the Law of God in hopes that the Spirit will bring conviction and show them their need for a Savior.
6. Bring it back to Christ. We can all change our outward behavior for a little while, but we cannot change our sinful hearts. Our children may be able to conform for a day or two, or maybe only an hour! But they need a Saviour to change their heart.
Finally, after you discipline, don't hold a grudge against them. They shouldn't have to earn your love back. Accept them have you have corrected them, and never humiliate them. Above all, make sure they know that you discipline them because you love them.