Talking to Teenagers
First, don’t beat around the bush. Be honest and tell the truth. This means being honest about what happened and the circumstances surrounding the death. Teenagers are just as cognitively aware of death as we adult are, and understand the nature of it. Respect this. However, this doesn't mean you have to share all of the unpleasant details, but if they have questions, answer them as best you can.
Second, realize that your teenager may not respond to the situation the way you are expecting him or her to. Some will get really upset, some will handle it well, and others will just be numb and need more time to process it. There may also be a variety of emotions such as anger, grief, or sadness. Some teenagers may even act foolish by laughing about this situation. This is because deep down, they are not sure how to respond. Finally, realize that it may take them some time before they can process everything or before the true grief and sadness surface. As a parent, be there to walk with them through the range of emotions they will feel.
Third, understand that your teenager may move in and out of grief very quickly. Honestly, this came as a shock to me as I was studying this past week on the psychological effect of death on teenagers. One of the main reasons for this is that teenagers are in an intense process of trying to form friendships, taking interests in the opposite sex, trying to meet academic expectations, and trying to figure out what they want to do with their future, while at the same time, working through their grief. This means that your teenager can be moody and depressed one moment and carefree and happy the next.
Fourth, be ready to deal with such feelings as fear and guilt. This is especially the case if a classmate or teacher dies. If your teenager had a fight with the student who died, or had feelings of hatred towards the teacher, they might feel a sense of responsibility and guilt about the death. Then, there is what is called survivors guilt. This is the guilt that a person feels when they are wondering why they were left alive and the other person died. Finally, there may be anger towards the person or persons that they believe are responsible for the death. The best thing you can do as a parent is listen, acknowledge their feelings, and then respond.
Fifth, there may also be physical symptoms that your teenager experiences. For example, sometimes teenagers will get headaches, stomach aches, or have difficulty sleeping. There may be a decreased interest in school or other activities, as well as a drop in grades. If depression starts to set it, seek biblical counseling from a trusted pastor or Christian counselor.
Last but not least, you always want to direct your teenagers back to the gospel. In the midst of all of your discussion, you want to point them to scripture and the power of the gospel. Ultimately, Christ is the only one who can comfort and counsel the aching heart of your teenager. As a parent, it is our job to shepherd our children to the arms of the Savior.
Talking to Children
In talking to children about death, it is important to realize that during your conversations, you will discover what your children know and don’t know about death. You will discover their fears, worries, and misconceptions. Also, as parents, what we say is going to depend upon their questions and their age.
First, we need to realize that for the most part, our children are aware of death, even at a young age. They experience it when they step on a bug, see road kill, or watch it in a movie. Death is a part of their everyday life, even if they don’t quite understand what it is all about.
Second, don’t avoid talking about it. Sometimes, we as parents think that if we hide things or cover them up, we are protecting our children. Yet instead of avoiding the conversation, we need to open the lines of communication so our children can express to us what their little hearts and minds are feeling and thinking. Remember, though they are familiar with death, there is much to them that is unknown. This fear of the unknown can be psychologically unhealthy for a child. They may fantasize and create a worse scenario that is worse than reality. On the other hand, while you want to have open lines of communication, you don’t want to push your children too hard in talking about it. They may need more time before they are ready to talk.
Third, realize and admit that you don’t have all the answers. Children expect their parents to know everything, but we don’t; especially about death. We don’t know the “why?” behind God’s plan all the time. It is important that we admit this, yet it is also important that we point our children to the fact that God does indeed have a plan in all things and that he is in control. Also, in answering the questions of our children, it is important that we be brief and keep things as simple as possible.
Fourth, understand a child’s perspective. Something else that I found interesting when studying the psychological effect of death on children is the things that influence their conception of death. There were two main influences: their developmental stages and their experiences. As far as the developmental stages go, studies show that children go through a series of stages in their understanding of death. For example, one of the things I read was that preschoolers often see death as reversible, impersonal, and temporary. It is not until the ages of 5 through 9 that children begin to realize that death is final and that all living things die. Yet, they still do not see it as personal. During this state they also may personify death and associate it with certain characters or drawings. It is not until the ages of 9 or 10 that children begin to fully comprehend these three things about death: 1. Death is irreversible, 2. All living things die, 3. And they too will die someday.
Fifth, be careful how you word things. For example, don’t tell a child that “Well, grandmother just fell asleep in Jesus.” This may lead the child to develop fear about going to bed or taking naps. Psychologists have noted that some children do confuse death and sleep. The same with using the phrase “went away.” Therefore, when we speak of death, we need to call it what it is and not use these other phrases.
Similarly, we need to be careful in how we talk to children about the death of someone who died of an illness. Older children our able to differentiate between a fatal illness and the common cold, but a preschooler is not. When talking to a younger child about death resulting in illness, we have to be sure to explain that not all sickness results in death, and that when they get sick, they don’t need to be afraid of dying.
Sixth, like teenagers, children will display a variety of emotions. Some may regress into earlier developmental stages such as bed wetting or thumb sucking. Others may become depressed, aggressive, or withdrawn. These symptoms are mostly seen in older children, and we as parents must realize that children also mourn death. Their little minds and hearts are trying to process the loss.
Finally, we must point our children back to scripture and the gospel. For children who have accepted Christ, this is a good time to point to the hope of heaven and the resurrection. The same advice applies here as it did above: we must point our children to Christ and the gospel, for only he can comfort and strengthen their heart.
In closing, I want to address three common questions that parents ask in regards to death and children.
First, should my child visit a loved one who is dying? This depends on both the child and the situation. Younger children might possibly benefit from the experience. If the right situation arises, it could be helpful in diminishing any mystery or fantasy surrounding death, and help the child develop a better way of handling the loss. It may also open lines of communication about the subject and bring joy to the dying loved one. This may make the child feel helpful in the fact that they have brought a smile to the dying one’s face. Ultimately, it is left to the discernment of the parents and whether or not you feel it is right for your younger child.
If your child is old enough to realize what is going on, and if they want to, you should probably let them visit a loved one who has been important in their life. If you decide to let your child visit, you need to make sure your child is prepared for what may be seen and heard. The physical appearance of the dying person should be addressed, along with any hospital equipment that they may be using. Sometimes, the monitors and wires can be very scary and intimidating for a child.
Second, should I let my children go to funerals? I believe the answer is “yes.” Funerals are a way to help a child get closure. Again, before you go, you want to prepare your child for what will be seen and heard during this time. They need to understand that they may see people crying really hard and expressing a lot of sadness.
Third, what if I want to send my child away to stay with friends and family so that I can have some time to “pull myself together”? This can be unhealthy for several reasons. First, keeping children at a distance during this time is only avoidance. It is avoiding talking with them about death and what is going on. Second, it is during this time that children need their parents the most. They may be afraid and confused, and they need the parents there to offer comfort and support. Third, sending them away may increase their fears about separation from loved ones. Having mom and dad around both before and after death greatly reduces the fear and anxiety that a child can feel during this time. The fact of the matter is that our children need us the most during family tragedies, and need the structure of normalcy to help work through this time.
We would also like for you to know that if you and your family are struggling with the loss of a loved one, please contact us here at Crosslink. We would love to talk with you and help you walk through this difficult time.