Will and Alex are meeting for discipleship. A few pleasantries are exchanged, and then Will speaks up, "You know, I think my kids hate me." He looks down in embarrassment. "I mean, all the other kids at church seem to be so well behaved, and mine seem to constantly be getting into trouble." Will pauses, puts his hands in his face, and then continues on. "I'm sure people think I am a terrible father. I mean, I try and discipline them. I try to be firm with them. I get mad and raise my voice to let them know I am serious, but that just seems to make things worse. They don't respect me or their mother...they take advantage of us...I just don't want them to hate me, but I feel as if they do. All I want is for them to respect us and obey us. Well, Alex, what do you think?"
Or, maybe you identify more with this scenario:
You have guest over at your house. Your kids start running around and acting out like a bunch of primates. Things get a little out of hand, and a piece of furniture gets broken. It was an accident. Instead of blistering your children with your words or spanking them out of anger, you calmly remover your children from the wreckage. Then you calmly talk with them, instructing them of their foolishness and exhorting them to me more wise. Score! Parenting win!
But then, the next day...
The pastor and his family invite you and your family over to eat dinner. You really want to make a good impression. You talk with your children about their attitudes and behavior. However, it has been one of those days. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You get to your pastor's house, and finally sit down for dinner. Your usually charming children are having none of it. Your daughter picks at the food with a disgusted face. Your children won't talk or answer questions. You are getting uber-ticked. But hey, you are in the pastor's house, so you can't just let 'er rip on your children. You put on your stern voice, but they don;'t care. All the while, you are thinking, "when we get home, I am going to let you have it!" And when you get home, you do.
So what is going on here? What is the connection between the three situations? Why is Will having such a hard time with his kids? Why can we, as parents, get angry in some situations but not at others? Sometimes our children misbehave and we respond with grace and the gospel, even if when spanking is involved. Yet other times, it is with anger, law, and retribution. How come sometimes when things are just accidents, we fly off the handle? Here is what I have come to conclude: The problem is not so much the behavior of our children, but the selfish desires of our own heart.
Here is the principle: The greatest obstacle to good parental discipline is our own selfish hearts.
James 4:1-3 states, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."
Based on this verse, the source of all conflict is selfishness. What I have noticed about parenting, when it comes to the area of discipline, is that our greatest hindrance is our own depravity. Sure, our children misbehave, but when our hearts are undivided in their loyalty, and when we are focused on self more than God, we respond wrongly in our discipline. In other words, our own selfishness distorts the discipline of our children.
For example, we, as parents, often want or desire things that are good- we want our children to respect us and obey us. However, when these desires exercise complete dominance over our heart, more so than God's glory, we are in danger of falling into selfishness in our discipline. What do I mean?
Let me state it this way: If we discipline our children out of the following reasons, we are doing it with the wrong motives.
-Have you ever discipline your children out of the desire to have some peace and quiet?
-Have you ever disciplined your children out of the desire for respect or appreciation?
-Have you ever disciplined your children out of fear of being embarrassed or being made to look stupid?
-Have you ever disciplined your children because you wanted your own way?
-Have you ever disciplined your children out of the desire of wanting them to be "successful" in your eyes or societies eyes?
All of us have to answer yes to these questions. The bigger issue is whether this is our consistent motive in discipline. If it is, then we are in big trouble.
If our frustration and anger center around the fact that we have been inconvenienced rather than the fact that God has not been glorified, then we are acting out of selfishness. The fruit of this type of discipline will be bad, for "where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." (James 3:16).
In fact, one of the greatest ways to exasperate our children is when we make ourselves the most important thing in obedience. Our children become exasperated when we discipline them out of selfish ambition rather than out of grace and love. Obedience to parents is not an end in itself. Rather, it is the means that God uses to teach children how to glorify Him and submit to His authority,
This is one of the most humbling things I have had to learn as a parent- the biggest obstacle to the discipline of my children is me. Discipling out of the right motives is a heart issue. As parents, if our hearts are not in tune with God, and if we are not focused upon God and His glory, then we will fail miserably when it comes to disciplining our children. What then, is our hope? It is the gospel. Through our union with Christ, God wants to put to death our own selfishness. Not only that, but He wants to put to death our patience and replace it with His; our kindness and replace it with His; our love and replace it with His. Through Christ, God has given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3-4), and that includes parenting.
Here are some things that I have learned about God, and seek to apply to my parenting:
1) God is sovereign and in control, so I don't have to be.
2) God's glory is preeminent, so I don't have to worry about what other think.
3) God's grace is sufficient, so I don't have to prove myself, nor do I have to rely on myself.
4) God is good, so I can look to Him and Him alone for all that I need.
Here are some probing questions to ask yourself when it comes to your discipline as a parent:
1) Is my home God-centered or parent-centered?
2) Which selfish desire is the greatest hindrance to my discipline as a parent? The desire for peace and quiet? The desire for respect? The desire for obedience, etc?
3) That last time you got angry and acted out on your children, what did you want in that moment?
In closing, I want you to know that wherever you are on your parenting journey, God will meet you where you are at. He will give you the grace to both conquer your heart and lead your family in a new direction. So, be hopeful and of good cheer!